Friendship

When my husband and I first met we hadn’t known each other previously. I saw him at a wedding of a friend, thought he was cute and sought out information on him. When his mother got wind a girl was interested in him, she got my number and passed it along to him. I missed his first few calls, and he left some awkward voice messages (he left no name or return number, he would just say random things like “I think this is your number” and then hang up). When we finally spoke it was only once, for about 6 minutes in which we lined up a date that was set for three weeks away. We lived four and a half hours away from each other, but I would be back in his town for another wedding in three weeks thus the date being set so far out.

My husband is from a small town, small like as in no stop light small, so we had to travel 45 minutes to the “big city” for our date. On this drive we were able to get to know one another’s interests and hobbies and talk a little about our families. We went to dinner and bowling. It was, to this day, one of my favorite nights. I don’t remember too many details of the conversation, but I remember laughing, laughing like crazy. Matt was and still is so funny and fun to be with! It was on this date that we began our friendship.

What is friendship and why is it so important? John Gottman, Ph.D. and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says this about friendship within marriage, “I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately – they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.” (Gottman 1999).

The weeks and month that followed our first date were spent sharing our dreams and goals for life, while we long distance dated and spent long hours on the phone with one another. The more we found we had in common the more promising our future looked together. It had only been a month when I knew that I loved him and in only two months more we knew we would marry. Once we began talking about marriage, we noticed keeping our friendship felt hard at times. We had some events that held up our plans. We had to work at staying friends instead of staying mad about the circumstances. Staying friends with him wasn’t just about keeping our wedding plans, it was about staying in each other’s lives. We had fun and many things in common and we didn’t want to lose that.

We have been married 17 years this year and we will both admit it is hard. Thankfully we both will admit that staying friends has kept us together and allowed us to overcome circumstances that have continued to present themselves in our lives. I have found that friendship is important in marriage because being friends with my husband has allowed us to always have someone to back us up. Someone who tries to understand how we feel and when they don’t understand they still sit there with us and help work through whatever it is. Having a friendship within our marriage reminds us to think of one another.

REFERENCE

Gottman, John M. Ph.D, and Silver, Nan, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Wor,"  Harmony Books, 1999.