Counseling Together

For about 3 months now we have been holding family councils. I have noticed a change in each of my children as well as my husband. I myself have been changed by the connection that we are creating by holding such councils. I feel it has benefitted our family fbecause I have noticed that our kids seem to feel more a part of the decisions we make. They also contribute more and realize that they have a voice in our family, that it isn’t just always “mom and dad deciding what we do.” Individually, each of our children are open with us in dialogue on different matters but holding a family council has brought openness with each of them, I feel like it has brought them closer and they are learning how to better communicate with each other.

I feel like it has also been a great way for our children to see their dad and the way he holds his priesthood and uses his leadership skills. I have enjoyed being able to have time set aside to discuss our schedule and upcoming events with my husband so that he knows what our kids and myself having going on each week so that he can plan his work schedule accordingly. I also enjoy the time to share our thoughts, as a family, on gospel issues we would like to practice or learn more about. 

In “Counseling with Our Councils,” a book by Elder Ballard he says, “But I have never observed serious discord or personal enmity among my Brethren. I have, rather, observed a beautiful and remarkable thing- the coming together, under directing influence of the Holy Spirit and under the power of revelation, of divergent views until there is total harmony and full agreement.” This is something we are striving for. Our family has been able to see, hear and understand that each of us has different ideas and opinions and family council is a time that we can share those and discuss them. We have come to see that we don’t all have to have the same opinion to come to a conclusion that works for each of us and that we can be happy about.

REFERENCE

Ballard, M. Russell (1997) Counseling with Our Councils. "Chapter 2: General Councils in the Church."

Physical Intimacy

Some ideas that stuck out to me this week:

 “As Latter-day Saints, most of the dialogue that we hear about sexual matters consists of two primary categories:
(1) The incessant chatter and noise of the world, Satan, and related sources that constantly hype and sensationalize sexual intimacy with distorted images of sensuality and misplaced or twisted values and expressions of sexuality.
(2) The powerful and compelling warnings of prophetic leaders and caring Church members who seek to steer us away from pornography, sexual exploitation, and immorality in sexual matters.”

 “Too often we listen only to the first two strands of the dialogue, and if we listen long enough, we may come to believe that the only kind of discussion about sexuality that is warranted is the dialogue about what Satan tempts us to do and what the Church teaches us not to do. Such a dialogue, however important, is not a recipe for fully understanding and creating sexual fulfillment as a married couple.”

Brotherson, S.E. (2003). "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage."

This portion of Elder Brothersons’ talk stuck with me because I think lack of knowledge about sex and intimacy, is what leads many faithful, good people, who are just seeking answers, to misinformation and/or misconceptions about intimacy and I would bet also lead to pornography. 

These quotes and thoughts led me to the following quotes.

 “As couples learn to communicate about sexual intimacy, they must learn to become comfortable with the topic and expressing their feelings and thoughts in specific ways. This is something that does not happen immediately, but over time as a couple trusts each other and learns to talk about a subject that may have been glossed over quickly or left undiscussed previously.”
Brotherson, S.E. (2003). “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage.”
Gottman recounts in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:”
“So often when a husband and wife talk to each other about their sexual needs, their conversations are … indirect, imprecise, inconclusive. Frequently both partners are in a hurry to end the conversation, hopeful that they will miraculously understand each other's desires without much talk … The problem is that the less clear you are about what you do and don't want, the less likely you are to get it. Sex can be such a fun way to share with each other and deepen your sense of intimacy. But when communication is fraught with tension, then frustration and hurt feelings too often result” (1999, pp. 200-201).

I think that there isn’t enough forwardness on the topic of sex. It is something we are mostly avoidant of until it is time to marry then we are all of the sudden supposed to do and discuss openly and frequently. I do believe that it is a matter of becoming comfortable expressing yourself and asking questions and I think this should be done before marriage with trusted parents or adults. Discussing with your spouse may then not be so difficult if you have been able to begin these conversations with others. While some conversations are left only for your spouse others can be had with parents or trusted adults.

Pride

As much as I would love to say that I think Gottman is wrong, about 69% of all problems in marriages being perpetual, ("The Seven Priciples for Making Marriage Work", Gottman and Silver, chapter 8). I think I have to agree that he is correct. At first, I didn’t want to agree with this because I would like to think that any problem can be solved, that’s just my nature. However, as I look closer at my marriage and what I consider to be the perpetual problems, what I see are two people with two different opinions, that aren’t changing. That’s the main reason I believe Gottman is correct, because no two people have the same opinion on any two things. These opinions form or have come to us, as individuals, we have worked hard to develop ourselves and our ideas, and we don’t let them go easily. We then try to live, forever, with someone who, more often than not, has a different opinion then we do. As I have gotten older, I have learned that my opinion isn’t the only one or the right one. With time it has gotten easier to accept this. Another reason that I would agree with Gottman is because when we hold tight to these opinions, we get prideful. Pride prevents us from ever changing our opinion. Pride produces stubbornness. Pride gets in the way of progress, individually and with our spouses. Strong opinions may never be changed but they can be softened when we humble ourselves. We can allow influence to affect us and provide a different viewpoint. We can gain understanding that our way of thinking isn’t the only way of thinking.  

I don’t think that I ever expected myself or my husband could or would just abandon our original feelings for the others’ viewpoint, but I admit, when we first married, I was naïve enough to think we could possible change each other’s view on somethings. I have learned the most by learning to live with two ideas on the same subject, neither right or wrong, just differing. At times it’s irritating, but overall, it’s just fine. This week I have learned that it’s not what our perpetual problem is about but how we learn to live with it that matters. It used to bother me to think that we had problems and probably always would. I thought great marriages never had a problem. I am grateful to learn that a happy marriage is one that knows how to live with the problems that are both solvable and perpetual. 

REFERENCES

Gottman, John M. Ph.D, and Silver, Nan, "The Seven Priciples for Making Marriage Work", Harmony Books, 1999.