Humility

“Either we choose to be humble or we are compelled to be humble.” That is a quote from President Benson, from a conference talk, “Beware of Pride,” given in April of 1989. This statement has left me pondering. If we don’t choose to be humble what will it be that “compels” us to humble ourselves? From what I understand about being compelled, it is likely it will be adversity and trials that bring us to our knees, seeking for Heavenly Fathers help. But to what depth and what extent will these trials occur? And when thinking of trials within our marriage, who would choose to be compelled instead of just choosing to be humble? All these questions and more have really brought me to a better understanding of how important it is for us to willingly submit our will to Gods’. Without humbling ourselves we ask for adversity to come upon us, upon our marriages. Trials surely already exist and bring hard times and hurt hearts to any marriage, and they exist so that we can grow together and progress together. From how I see it, when we can remain humble, we could possibly avoid some harder moments. Now I don’t mean that frees us from trials but I think maybe when we are humble we have willingness to work with our spouse and with the Lord to get through whatever that current trial may be.

Another quote that stuck with me, while reading President Bensons talk reads, “Pride is ugly. It says, “If you succeed, I am a failure.”” (Beware of Pride, 1989) Why is this true? Why do we think that someone else’s success determines our success, especially in marriage? Are we not on the same team, if one of us succeeds, doesn’t the other? What really is success in marriage anyway? I think naturally we all have tendencies to compare, whether that is with our spouse or our neighbor, but it is not fair, to ourselves, to do so. Most of the time you haven’t seen where another has started so you really can’t know of their progress. The success of you and your spouse is based on you both, on the conversations you have together, attitudes you form about one another and your marriage, as well as personal and companion triumphs. Success is a state of mind. President Benson also said, “When pride has hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgements.” (Beware of Pride, 1989) We loose our freedom to actually succeed when we allow someone else’s judgement to determine whether we were successful or not. We need to stop doing this to ourselves, it’s not fair. It is not how Jesus will judge us, why would we allow someone else to do so.

I have a better understanding of humility, my mind set and pride after studying more of humility and pride. I have been able to recognize areas in my life where I can improve and more fully humble myself. I hope to continue to recognize these moments in my life and marriage. My marriage, like all marriages, deserves humility and love. 

REFERENCES

Benson, Ezra Taft, “Beware of Pride”, April 1989, General Conference.

Turning Toward One Another

When my husband and I were first married we really struggled with recognizing bids for each other’s attention and finding ways to turn toward one another. We both felt they needed to be elaborate and a big deal in the others eye. While we both remember some of these larger expressions of love for each other when we break them down, it comes down to just recognizing the other, as what was truly meaningful. Over time we got better at the smaller stuff and realized the meaning that could be felt within these everyday acts of service and love.

A challenge that we have now in turning toward one another is getting in too much of a routine. When we just go down our list of to do, unfortunately it seems easy to just move the spouse down as you go. We both know at the end of the day the other will be there, so we just pass by or skip reaching out to the other. Having a full schedule with five children also presents a challenge for us in turning toward each other. Sometimes our children’s need seem immediate, (or so they think!), and we end up getting wrapped up in taking care of their wants in place of our spouses needs. To over come these challenges that my husband and I face we are sure to set aside time each week to be together just us. We usually like this time to be outside our home so that we know nothing there will or can distract us.

We also have expressed a few bids that are important to each of us. One my husband really appreciates is when I go to bed at the same time as him. Between my calling, work, the kid’s schedules, the house and my course work, I often say up after 10 pm to get everything in a day done or to get ahead for the next. My husband is an early riser, so he prefers to be in bed by 10. For me to stop what I am doing and make a point to go to bed with him means a lot to him. It shows him that I place him and us before my other responsibilities. A bid that I seek for is for him to touch base with me at some point in the day just letting me know what’s up. “Hey, at lunch. How’s it going?” It says to me he not only thought of me but wants me to know he thought of me.

Overall, I would say that the best source of strength for the both of us is to communicate. I know that overtime things have changed, what we once wanted isn’t something we need any more. Also understanding that bids and growing toward each other aren’t always presented to us in the way we desire but most likely in the way our spouse desires. We need to take these signs from each other and have conversations with each other about what is meaningful and necessary, in order to grow and stay connected.

Maintaining a Marriage

In “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, Dr. John Gottman explains a love map as being, “intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map - my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” While reading Gottman’s work I was able to think about what my love map looks like and how it is serving my marriage. My thoughts went from our beginning years and how much attention we paid to each other and what I could remember us talking about that I kept stored on my map. There was information of memories of the past to sharing our future with each other. Many places on that map where we sketched in dreams for us and our family. Then I went to the hard times we have had and thought about what places I put on that map and what feelings were associated with those times. We have travelled through things I hadn’t imagined we’d go through and at times our map seemed creased and wrinkly but thankfully we still saw the destination and we continued. I was then able to visualize our map now and see places where we could fill in some more information and maybe update our map visually.

I know that because my husband and I both look up to one another and have a desire to lift one another up, that we have been able to keep our map intact. Despite folds and spills, we have both been able to take turns holding and reading the map and guiding the other along the way when we have been weak in spirit. We have allowed the challenges we have faced, and probably will face, to remind us we even have a map. It is a map we created, and we can continue to develop our map for us.

I know that as time passes the more, that this map will have to endure. I try to focus on the two people who created this map and I try to help both of us see our best selves so that we can understand our potential and see what Heavenly Father has in store for us. If I can focus on the positive qualities both my husband and I have that will help us nurture or fondness and love for one another. We can both be strengthened when we focus on this and allowing the Savior into our relationship.

REFERENCES

Gottman, John M. Ph.D, and Silver, Nan, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Wor,"  Harmony Books, 1999.

Friendship

When my husband and I first met we hadn’t known each other previously. I saw him at a wedding of a friend, thought he was cute and sought out information on him. When his mother got wind a girl was interested in him, she got my number and passed it along to him. I missed his first few calls, and he left some awkward voice messages (he left no name or return number, he would just say random things like “I think this is your number” and then hang up). When we finally spoke it was only once, for about 6 minutes in which we lined up a date that was set for three weeks away. We lived four and a half hours away from each other, but I would be back in his town for another wedding in three weeks thus the date being set so far out.

My husband is from a small town, small like as in no stop light small, so we had to travel 45 minutes to the “big city” for our date. On this drive we were able to get to know one another’s interests and hobbies and talk a little about our families. We went to dinner and bowling. It was, to this day, one of my favorite nights. I don’t remember too many details of the conversation, but I remember laughing, laughing like crazy. Matt was and still is so funny and fun to be with! It was on this date that we began our friendship.

What is friendship and why is it so important? John Gottman, Ph.D. and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says this about friendship within marriage, “I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately – they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.” (Gottman 1999).

The weeks and month that followed our first date were spent sharing our dreams and goals for life, while we long distance dated and spent long hours on the phone with one another. The more we found we had in common the more promising our future looked together. It had only been a month when I knew that I loved him and in only two months more we knew we would marry. Once we began talking about marriage, we noticed keeping our friendship felt hard at times. We had some events that held up our plans. We had to work at staying friends instead of staying mad about the circumstances. Staying friends with him wasn’t just about keeping our wedding plans, it was about staying in each other’s lives. We had fun and many things in common and we didn’t want to lose that.

We have been married 17 years this year and we will both admit it is hard. Thankfully we both will admit that staying friends has kept us together and allowed us to overcome circumstances that have continued to present themselves in our lives. I have found that friendship is important in marriage because being friends with my husband has allowed us to always have someone to back us up. Someone who tries to understand how we feel and when they don’t understand they still sit there with us and help work through whatever it is. Having a friendship within our marriage reminds us to think of one another.

REFERENCE

Gottman, John M. Ph.D, and Silver, Nan, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Wor,"  Harmony Books, 1999.

Fuller Understanding

Each marriage begins a new family. What is it that keeps this unit together? What perspectives or outlook allow this marriage and/or family to grow, to brake patterns or traditions, to find their purpose, to evolve?

I know that for my marriage it has been keeping Heavenly Father in each of our individual lives as well as in our marriage. My husband and I made covenants with our Heavenly Father and with each other that we must choose each day. If we want to have a marriage that allows us, as individuals, and our children to find a purpose, we must also allow the Atonement and the Savior in our lives. We have to work hard to remind ourselves that each trial and experience can be for our benefit. We need to allow ourselves the opportunity to listen to the Lord and learn the lessons He has to teach us. It is not always easy, but I can truly say that our marriage is richer and deeper because we have worked hard to do so. I believe this has happened for us because we choose it. Most marriages will experience trials and heartbreak but if you look at trials as something that will break you, that is what it will do. This week I found comfort in Elder Bruce C. Hafens words, “And yet- marrying and raising children can yield the most valuable religious experiences of their lives.” (Covenant Marriage, 1996). I love how the word “can” is emphasized in this statement. To me it really points out that it’s a choice. It doesn’t say it will yield a valuable experience or even that it won’t be valuable but that is can be. That emphasis allows me to take action.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’d like to think that the majority of people who are preparing to marry have a positive perspective and outlook on marriage. However, I know that choosing a good attitude doesn’t makes hard things easier to bare. I know that with the trials my husband and I have faced we had to feel the feelings, to be able to make the choice, to keep our covenants to each other. Just as Adam and Eve had to experience opposition so do we. Knowing how hurt I have felt in the past has only brought a sweeter happiness to the things we have overcome. It has allowed me to feel more gratitude and to be proud of the growth we have gained. Through my marriage I have found and seen the true cleansing power and peace the Atonement can bring. I more fully understand the importance of families and of temple sealings and covenants. I see clearer the Plan of Happiness. I fill more fulfilled in my calling as a mother and wife. I understand more my divine nature as a woman. I find more responsibility to my role as a daughter of Heavenly Father. These are things that I have a fuller understanding of because of my marriage. I know that I am still fulfilling many of these roles including my role as a wife.

REFERENCES

Hafen, Bruce. C. (October 1996) "Covenant Marriage", Annual General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 

Focusing on Marriage

Last week I blogged about the formation of a family, specifically my childhood family. Much of who I have become reflects my upbringing and the values my parents taught me. There are many external threats to marriages.  In my marriage class this week our focus was on the definition of marriage, specifically the legalization of same-sex marriage.  I am still forming my beliefs on this topic, so I am choosing to focus on what I do know.

I know that Satan is working on diminishing the meaning of marriage throughout the world. I believe that he is working hard within marriages of those who do choose to commit to each other.  President Nelson said, “There is great power in a strong partnership.” (Disciples of Christ; Defenders of Marriage, 2014). I believe Satan knows this and he works to break down that partnership. I have found the more I know myself and am confident in who I am the stronger I am as an individual and as a partner, and I can withstand Satan’s snares. I think it’s safe to say that if two people know who they are, what they stand for, and where they are going, then they are strong enough to overcome the tempters tactics together.

President Nelson continues in his speech mentioning that now is the time for us to “define our goals.” (Disciples of Christ; Defenders of Marriage, 2014). I know that when my husband and I decided we would marry and that it would be in the temple, it seemed that many hardships came up that left us both disappointed. For example, I hadn’t been paying my tithing and my bishop said that our planned date to marry was too soon. He wanted me to be able to be a full tithe payer for 6 months so that I could be better prepared to enter the temple. I can look back now and be ever so grateful for that experience, at the time it was hard! My husband and I were “ready” to get married at our set date. Having this experience really allowed me to “re-define my goals”. I wanted my husband and I to always be full tithe payers so that we could receive those blessings.

Satan is a master at weakening strong marriage partnerships with temptations such as pride, impatience, lack of communication, dishonesty, jealousy, hate, pornography and addiction. His tactics are endless.  Satan’s plan is to cause a couple or individual to doubt their goals and their strength together.

I have been able to recognize moments when my husband and I have lost focus or forgotten our goals.  It takes work to get back on track in our relationship. We have to intentionally bring Heavenly Father into our marriage and focus on who we are and our eternal goals. Focusing on our marriage is what allows us to realize our potential and Heavenly Father’s plan for us. We see where we are going and the blessings along the way.

REFERENCES

Nelson, Russell M. (2014, August 14). “Disciples of Christ-Defenders of Marriage”. Brigham Young University Commencement Speech.

Forming A Family

I am the oldest of three. My parents separated when I was 17, divorced when I was 18. My brother was 16, my sister almost 14 at the time. Both sets of grandparents also divorced while my parents were young. Almost all of my parents siblings (10 total siblings) are divorced or in a second or third marriage. Several of them also had children out of wedlock and or have cohabitated at some point in life. 

Do these statistic have an impact on the formation of a family? Do they affect the cognitive, social and emotional well being of the children involved?

A study, in 2005, by Paul Amato gives summary to the well being of children who come from both divorced and married parents. His study concludes that children who grow up in married parent families have a higher over all well being. Those who come from divorced parents tend to have problems academically and have a lower sense of well being, this tends to carry over into adulthood. At the time of our parents divorce did we experience any of this? Yes, it was hard and there were hard times. My brother dropped out of high school and  my sister formed a sense for rebellion. There were several tough years but I never would have catergorized us into this study. Looking back maybe we fit. Definitely not as adults though. All three of us married or have been with our first, and only spouse, for 17 years. Amatos' findings seem to fit 98% of my cousins, or my parent’s cousins, who have children born out of wed lock and been divorced.  Most of my cousins, who come from these situations, have gone through or followed the same pattern as their parents. It’s really interesting to me. I didn’t ever look at it like that or think that it was a cycle. I just thought bad choices, poor luck and being young factored into all of thier lives. 

What made the difference for my siblings and me? 

In thinking about why this was different for me, I thought of President Kimballs quote, "only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.” While my parents eventually divorced, I grew up in a home that valued family time and loved each other very much. It was important to my parents to spend time with us, take us out on adventures and show love to us. My mom is not an active member and my dad is non-member but the importance of family was very prominent in my home. I knew my parents loved me and wanted the best for me. That love was never not felt, I knew I could lean on them. Now I don't want to say that my cousins didn't have this same sense of families in their home but I didn't live there and I just know what is true for me. I have and continue to value that in my family, the one my husband and I have created. We try our best to include gospel principles and to teach the value of family and the role the family plays in the plan Heavenly Father has in for all His children. 

Going back to my beginning questions; Do these statistic have an impact on the formation of a family? Do they affect the cognitive, social and emotional well being of the children involved? I would say for me, no. My generational statistics didn't affect me. What did impact my well being and growth was the sense of reliance I had in my family. I knew my siblings had my back. I knew my parents believed in me, they supported me. This impacted me, it helped me develop my sense of self worth. It was the things my parents taught me, the way they lived and created our family that affected me and the way I have chosen to form my family.